Bite My Tongue
by Lovely SOS
Summary: When you can't sleep, you start thinking about things. Certain things, certain... People. Jerome can't sleep because there's too much on his mind... So what's he gonna do about it? Songfic oneshot for Jerina2434's challenge.


_A/N Random songfic. Please enjoy, review and constructive criticize (Please!). I find it hard to capture Jerome's character at times... but I did my best. This is also an entry to the oneshot challenge by Jerina2434. Jara ;)_

_Disclaimer: House of Anubis is obviously NOT owned by me, and neither is the song 'Bite my tongue' (By Relient K), but all ideas are my own. Again, enjoy ;)_

**~Bite My Tongue~**

I, Jerome Clarke, couldn't sleep no matter what I did. My eyes kept opening and my head was pounding strangely. A glance at the clock confirmed that it was way too late to be up when there was a stupid Monday school waiting for me in less than 5 hours. I clenched my teeth, knowing that it was all her fault. Well, I guess it's mine, for liking someone like HER. Mara. Mara Jaffray. But it's like me to pin the blame. Sure, I left her plenty of hints, but I guess none significant enough.

**I was gonna spell it out in detail, but,**

**I dropped the call before I spilled my guts...**

Then I realized that I was being stupid anyway. I had to stop being unrealistic when it came to her. No more Mara day dreaming for me. Or I would at least have to contain it to the very, very back of my mind. Mara was not worth anything, just like everyone else. I repeated that in my head a few times. But I knew that even if I told myself a million times more... Horrifyingly hopeless.

**The floor stayed clean like my conscience would be,**

**'Cause if you heard anything,**

**You didn't hear it from me...**

Almost a guilty feeling would settle in my stomach around her. The discomfort of liking her. Don't get me wrong, if I had it my way, I would never like her, or anyone at all, no matter how much she IS on my mind. But she's different from everyone else, and not that I'd ever say it in a million years out loud, but she should have someone better anyway. Better than Mick Campbell, AND better than me. I had the sinking feeling that I would never be satisfied, even if she did like me back. I would always feel like she deserved someone else.

**I'm sweeping up the seconds,**

**That tick off the clock.**

**Save them all for later,** **when I'm too ticked to talk...**

My thoughts blurred. 4:37 AM. Sometimes I wished I could just take time and save it for some other day or place. Whenever something good happens, it's gone too fast. A bit like around the time of the election for student rep. That was the closest I'd ever gotten to Mara, and I still messed it up in the end. I wish that had lasted longer. Or maybe I wish I could save my time for when I wanted to not be bothered with, to be left alone... But all my stupid wishing wasn't worth a thing at all.

**And I need some time t****o search my mind,**

**To locate the words,**

**That seem so hard to find...**

But I wished anyway. It was so against everything in me. So against myself to ever feel like that about someone, to ever like someone like I liked Mara. But she would never, could never know. Besides, how could I ever find the words? It's so much easier to pretend you don't feel something than to express something you really do feel. I rolled over, feeling slightly sick. So unlike me. Or who I thought I was.

**And sometimes I say things that ****I wish that I could take back,**

**The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called "tact"...**

All the same, I felt almost bad sometimes about what I did. Hurting people, just generally being obnoxious, messing around with people's heads. But even when I felt bad it was selfish, like again, during the election when I put up those posters of Amber. I found myself feeling awful, but not because I'd messed with Amber. It felt bad to see such disappointment in Mara's eyes. I was reckless and a jerk. Never thinking of the outcome before I said or did something, and then strangely feeling so empty after it.

**And if you're always so intently listening,**

**Then the smartest thing to say i****s to tell myself not to say a thing...**

I wondered if the answer I was looking for in this confusing was to be quiet. To shut up. Lock up your mouth, throw away the key. Whatever. I liked that idea more than I once would have thought I might... If I didn't talk around Mara, I wouldn't bother her. I wouldn't hurt her or mess things up for her. And I would never have to worry about actually telling her and making her listen to how I felt about her. That uncomfortable feeling returned. Maybe this was just ridiculous.

**Yeah I gotta keep quiet, quiet,**

**Don't let it all come undone,**

**'cause if I dare open my mouth i****t'll just be to bite my tongue,**

**To bit my tongue.**

But the more I thought about it, the more logical it seemed so late at night. If I could just learn to shut up around Mara, things would be better, right? At least for her? My thoughts felt vague and disconnected. I tried piecing them back together to make sense of my thoughts. Half of me still thought that telling Mara what I thought of her was the way to go. The other half begged me to keep quiet and not mess up what we had now, whatever that was. Friendship? Yeah right.

**I said I'm always close-minded** **with an open mouth,**

**And the worst of me** **seems to come right out.**

**But I've never broken bones with a stone or a stick,**

**But I've conjured up a phrase** **t****hat can cut to the quick...**

Suddenly I found myself stumbling out of my bed. Forget shutting up. That wasn't how I operated. I was going to tell Mara, right that instant, that I liked her. And when she turned me down, or laughed, or even felt bad for me because she's so NICE, I would take that as a final cue to get over her once and for all. I tried shutting the door quietly as I left so I wouldn't wake Alfie, but my fumbling in the dark made noise enough. I grabbed a hair pin I'd once stolen literally off Nina Martin's head and walked a bit more carefully to Mara's room. I was going to have to be careful not to wake up Patricia, who was a pretty light sleeper. I opened the door a crack and stuck my head in.

**And sometimes I say things that ****I wish that I could take back,**

**And the smartest thing to say** i**s to tell myself to keep-**

**Quiet quiet...**

I went in the girl's room slowly and made my way, slowly, over to Mara's bed. Creeper style, I thought with a smirk, but reminded myself to shut up again. I poked Mara in the side and took a deep breath. Then, and of course only then, did I suddenly I realized something very important.

"Wha...?" muttered Mara.

What my stupid brain had been trying to make me realize was that I wasn't supposed to barge in and tell Mara how I felt. But I wasn't supposed to shut up, either. The key here was to say what you need to in a sensible way, then listen to what she had to say back.

"Jerome?" Mara whisper-hissed. I shushed her urgently and motioned for her to follow me. I took another deep breath and we tiptoed to the attic door. Mara looked at me like I was crazy. I felt crazy. I gave her a smirk and easily picked the lock using the stolen pin. Mara looked shocked.

**Don't let it all come undone,**

**'Cause if I dare open my mouth...**

**It'll just be to bite my tongue...**

She followed me up the attic steps. Once I made sure we would not be heard, I motioned for Mara to sit down.

"What is this Jerome? Are you crazy? It's like 5 in the morning," She said. She actually looked worried. About what I can't be exactly sure.

"I just had to tell you something," I forced out, cursing my stupidity.

"And what is that?" She said, still looking tired and confused.

**Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet** **and listen to your voice,**

**Because the power of your words** **can repair all that I destroyed...**

"As stupid as it is Mara, I really like you." I allowed myself to keep my face almost emotionless, because if I didn't have some kind of mask on, or some kind of wall up, I might go crazy. "I always mess things up. I'm an awful person and I know it. I get that. I just thought I'd tell you." I had to force myself not to get up and leave. She was so much of a better person than me. Like how she dealt with my sister Poppy. Whenever I crushed my silly little sisters spirits, Mara was always there to brighten her up again. SUCH a better person.

**And when I finally do** **let it come from you,**

**The peace of understanding grips my soul,**

**You're the reason I** **have meaning in this life...**

Mara just looked so shocked. I felt a strange wave of calmness come over me. I'd said what I wanted to, and it was Mara's turn to say whatever she wanted to say in response. I'd said what I needed to say... I wanted so badly for her to look me in the eye and tell me she felt the same way. But that wasn't going to happen. I suddenly really admired Mara, and not just because I liked her, but because of the kind of person she was. More secretly I faced the thought that she was the only reason I ever even dragged myself out of bed in the morning to go to school. I had a sudden doubt that a part of me would never give her up.

**So I swallow all my pride a****nd give you control,**

**I give it all to you...**

"Jerome... Really?" She asked. "That's how you feel?" I shrugged, then reluctantly nodded. She stood there watching me as I felt like that nod, that one, teeny tiny nod had just spilled the contents of my very personal thoughts. It felt horrifyingly exciting to tell someone something personal like that... So personal... I shivered, not sure what it was from. Confessing yourself or an unheated attic.

**And I gotta keep quiet quiet,**

**Don't let it all come undone...**

I wanted to beg her to forget this ever happened- pretend it was a prank or something. But it wasn't. It so wasn't. It was very real, and I painfully felt that she couldn't have been dragging it out more if she tried. She was thinking it through too much or something. My mouth naturally wanted to smirk, because that had so often been a filler when I didn't know what to say. Again I cursed my stupidity in my own head.

**'Cause if I dare open my mouth, **

**It'll just be to bite my tongue...**

"Jerome..." She said awkwardly. Attempting to make it easier for her, I tried,

"Just say it, Jaffray. Then we can leave." Sort of contradicting to everything I'd been thinking til now, but I just couldn't take the suspense. I just wanted to go to sleep now, with this new knowledge that I would never completely get over Mara. I so wanted to get over her.

**I gotta keep quiet, quiet,**

**Listen to your voice,**

**Because the power of your words c****an repair all that I destroyed...**

"No, Jerome, I..." Spit it out, I though desperately.

"Yeah?" I managed.

**And I gotta keep quiet, quiet,**

**Don't let it all come undone...**

**'Cause if I dare open my mouth,**

**It'll just be to bite my tongue,**

**Bite my tongue...**

And then Mara made my crazed, late night insanity go away with one little sentence. A real smile touched my lips, and I was glad that I had shut up, but I hadn't shut up, if you get my meaning. And I intended to more carefully monitor what I said from then on... But once and a while I just might slip up. Purely by accident. No one is completely perfect, after all... That made me grin. Mara and I parted ways awkwardly, but I think that we were both quietly pleased as we went back to our rooms and into our beds. Forget what I said earlier... About the feeling I would get if Mara ever said she liked me back. Because I felt so oddly happy as I replayed the scene over and over in my head, knowing it was quite sappy of me, but doing it all the same.

Because Mara had given a hesitant smile and said, "I think I like you too." Nothing more happened. Then we parted ways.

And eventually, I, Jerome Clarke, fell asleep.

_A/N Please review._


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